Hey everyone, This post is very hard to write. When I first launched my Daily Adventure Blog (originally called Daily Adventure Log) it was exciting and I had the strong feeling from inside that this was the right path for me.
After posting my first few adventures I got some comments and was surprised and thrilled. I was also having a fantastic, great time with my shiny new toys.
But then, the page views tapered off and my old siren songs of self-doubt and external validation obsession kicked in. Instead of finding pleasure in the creative process and enjoying all of the new adventures I experienced, I worried that I was too self-absorbed and writing for the wind. And if you are reading this, then I guess I was wrong about at least one of those!
I needed to get back to my roots, so I hauled myself back up the mountain to think about why what used to be so fun was now giving me stomach aches. It’s troubled my soul for as long as I’ve had memory, that feeling of not being “good enough” as I am. The constant feeling that I need to make myself better, brighter, stronger, nicer and thinner in order to fit in. It’s all same old, same old, and I wanted to get it out of my head and out of my darn blog! After all, adventures are fun, right?
Then it hit me, that adventures are also discovery. I found out on the mountain that day that the reason I got fat, stayed fat and regained fat is my inherent lack of worth. I’m scared to let people know me for real, as I’m scared that once they do, they will bail. I’ve had that happen more than once. Like my lucky lizard chameleons, I’ve gotten into the habit of blending in to please whoever I’m near.
That’s how I’ve had great results with Weight Watchers, Body for Life and other programs for weight loss and fitness. I work really, really hard and being in a program gave me something to turn into, something to have in common with the others in the program, a built-in goal to achieve. Nirvana. I never had to actually look inside myself. That’s a great attribute when you fear you really are a stinking, terrible mess.
I’m terrified to say here, like the wonderful Maggie O’C from Misc. Maggie, “What do YOU think of me?”; I’m even more terrified of asking “Laurie, what do YOU think of me?”
So while I’m doing the internal work with my Daily Adventure Blog, I want to be brave, real and connect with others who see me – not cleaned up me, nice me, perfect me, but me. I guess for that, I need more practice being real, wherever that leads. And while I would truly appreciate your feedback and cherish every comment, every “like” and all of the rest, it is not your job to validate me. It’s my job. My hope is that we can travel together, support each other, and learn how to experience our own lives.